Well you all know my Phased Plasma Infantry Gun (PIG) impression based on the one in the
Tech Manual- for those new people unfamiliar here it is again:
For the first time in 7 years of attending Dragon Con, the US Border Guards asked me to open my trunk for inspection. I did so and the guard told me to turn off my engine and hand the key to him. Unfortunately as of late my car has been experiencing transmission problems. Occasionally the key won’t turn back all the way and gets stuck between off and start- becoming unremovable from the ignition.
I would have to go from park to drive or reverse and then try turning the engine off again. Usually it takes a couple of tries and then works... This time it wouldn’t no matter how many attempts I made. At the same time I told the guard that although I had to slightly reverse the car, I didn’t want him to believe I was trying to flee or something, or that I was being unco-operative. I must have tried 15 times.
He tells me to forget trying to turn the ignition off, and pull the car aside for inspection. Again I’m asked to hand over the key and again the bloody ignition doesn’t want to co-operate. Each time I tried I was thinking “Please! Please! For the love of God Please work this time! PLEASE!” Again it must have been a dozen attempts.
I never could get the key out, and was ordered to exit my vehicle.
I was asked to step in the guard office to have my identification looked at, asked where I was going etc. I explained I was going to a costume/sci-fi convention, and that I had several costumes with me including a couple of military looking ones. I was asked to get my hotel itinerary out of the car.
Walking back to my car one of the guards had discovered the PIG and yelled out, “Sir! What is this here?!”
They were not impressed.
At all. I froze.
I said it was just a prop replica and that it was part of a costume. I always wrap the PIG in a garbage bag for transportation so as not to alarm anyone unaware as I take it in and out of my car. One of the guards was cutting the bag with a knife- as he exposed the PIG the first guard yelled out-
“THIS IS AN RPG!!!” After that everyone nearly went mad! They started waving guards over- there must have been a dozen or so surrounding my car! I kept telling them that it was made of plastic and wasn’t real.
A couple of guards began tapping it with their knives confirming it wasn’t the real deal (I guess I did too good a job of it
). Things calmed down slightly. The first guard then kept saying, “Why do you have this military device?”
I tried to explain that it wasn’t a “military device” and that I put it together myself out of PVC and plumbing parts. He yells out
“DON’T TELL ME WHAT THIS IS! I'M IN THE MILITARY! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! THIS IS A TRAINING DEVICE! YOU CAN’T BRING THIS INTO THE UNITED STATES!!”They continued to go through my stuff finding my USCM kit, and the webbing/gear for my Billy impression from Predator. As they found more stuff, the first guard asks “Where did you get all this genuine US military equipment?” I answered, “From a surplus store in Canada.”
They found my resin Gerber (which is just the handle and an inch worth of blade), and the plastic toy knife I had for my Billy costume. Things quieted down slightly as they started to understand everything was fake.
One guard finds the little electronic game that I use for my hypersleep impression:
He opens the battery cover, takes out his knife, flips out the batteries with it (looking as machismo as possible in front of his mates), walks away with it- and I never saw it again. I guess it could have been used as a “device” to create a panic.
They take out the battery pack for my PIG (which is just a water jug with a headphone cord and jack, and graffiti on it. The first guard points out the slogan I had written on it:
Looks at me and says, “What’s all this.”
It could not have looked worse. I sheepishly answered that it was just graffiti- this was all just a costume.
So at that point another guard says
“Listen I don’t want to have to put you in handcuffs, just come with me.”Before being taken away the first guard asks, “Am I going to find any other weapons real or not? Any M-16s, AK-47s, handguns?”
No sir! No guns, knives, or drugs, nothing like that!
I was escorted into the Homeland Security office, where I received a full pat down (including the crotch grab) with my hands behind my head, feet spread etc. They checked my pockets, ordered me to remove my shoes etc.
Needless to say I was scared shitless.
So I basically had to spend two hours in the security office waiting. As each minute passed I became more paranoid and frightened as to what was going on. Something like this has never happened to me before and I reverted back to a scared teenager who had gotten into big trouble with the law. I thought I was going to be arrested or at least detained for the night. Quite frankly I didn’t have a clue what was going to happen and envisioned being thrown in prison for this. I don’t deal well with being confronted by authority and my mind was going a million miles an hour. I really should not have been so scared, but I couldn’t help myself.
As they brought my PIG into the office one guy says, “Wait ‘till you see this!”
Sitting waiting I looked at the plaque on the wall stating-
Homeland Security: Dedicated to
safeguarding the borders of the United States against Terrorism and the devices used to instill
terror.Oh great. I thought they’re going to think I’m some kind of bloody anarchist out to play an elaborate practical joke or something. I also thought of my Service C uniform and imagined they might think I was trying to infiltrate a military base by posing as a serviceman.
Eventually I was so scared I actually began to feel lightheaded. I told a guard this, and one of them was nice enough to give me a fruit bar and a bottle of water.
As time went by all I could think was, if they let me out of here I’m just going to turn around and go home.
Finally I mustered the balls to stand up and ask one of the guards what was happening. I said, “Listen I don’t want to sound like I’m saying ‘What’s taking so long’... But what’s taking so long?”
He says “Are you the guy with the thing in the trunk?” Yeah, I answered.
“We’re filling out some paperwork”. He goes on to say, “You have to see this from our perspective. You’re lucky someone didn’t pull a gun on you for this.” He was actually pretty straightforward and calm, not giving me a browbeating like everyone else. He told me five more minutes.
In the end I was told to sign a form basically saying that I was turning my PIG over to Homeland Security and that it would be
destroyed. One guard (who was a trainee) kept saying “Sign here” over and over not giving me any time to read the form.
Before signing I asked at least three times that I would be allowed to go on my merry way after signing this, and that was all- that there would be no more of this. I was told “That’s it.”
The form was a nearly blank page with the words “Man made AT-4". An AT-4 for those unfamiliar is an anti tank weapon. I dated and signed it.
So they kept the PIG, the battery (not the ALICE frame) and that little electronic game with the electrodes.
I was then released and could proceed with my "vacation" into the US. The first guard (who was yelling the entire time) seemed to be a lot calmer as I left. He said that if I wanted to rearrange my luggage in my trunk that I was welcome to do so before leaving because they went through my entire car.
I just wanted to get the hell out of there so I drove off.
I still considered just going home, but convinced myself to go to the convention as I was still needed down there (Parade, dinner etc) and that I couldn’t abandon my friends. I would still have a good time seeing everyone again despite this- and I was right of course.
When I had the chance I pulled into a gas station to check my trunk.
They ripped through everything. My $800 dollar Wrath of Khan uniform jacket was sitting
on top of my suitcase out of its plastic cover. Just about everything was strewn about. Most stuff was just thrown back into my trunk and not put back into my suitcase or duffle bag. They even removed my spare tire for inspection and didn’t put it back correctly. I guess I'm lucky they didn't take the doors off my car too. I did my best to reorganize my things without drawing attention.
Funnily enough the only item which didn’t look manhandled at all was my Service C uniform; it was still in its plastic cover untouched. Mind you the cover was clear plastic while my Wrath of Khan was white and opaque, which may have had something to do with it.
This whole incident still has me reeling. I’m still concerned I might receive a letter from Homeland Security about this- perhaps with a fine. One thing I am most concerned with is the very real possibility that I have been placed on some kind of “Red Flag” list, and that whenever I enter the United States from now on I can expect the same treatment/inspection every time.
Telling everyone what happened at the con, everyone who was a US Citizen was greatly sorry to hear that this had happened to me, and furious about it. The same night Drew posted on Twitter (or something- I’m just a caveman remember
) what idiots the border guards were.
At dinner I was presented with some money from the group; they had taken up a collection to compensate for my loss in the hopes that I would rebuild the PIG. Unfortunately a portion of that money went toward paying the discrepancy in the bill that night. But the generosity of the deed itself was enough to get me choked up as I thanked everyone and said that this is what makes this community such a strong place. There are truly good people here who would give you the shirt off their backs in a snowstorm and expect nothing in return.
I will probably rebuild the PIG- it’s just a matter of finding the time to do so. I’ve been told several times to ship the PIG (in pieces) down to Derek who would keep it for me down in Atlanta so as not to have any more border problems.
At this point rebuilding it and shipping it wouldn’t be too difficult, it is breaking it down into parts that might prove hard- the largest part was the main tube which was at least 4 feet long. I don’t know how I could break that up and still have it look right. Right now I’m just tired by the whole incident and don't really want to think about it.
Not really much more I can say about this. Needless to say I won’t be bringing anything weapon-like into the US ever again. I expect this sort of strictness and quite frankly paranoia from Canada or even the UK with our replica laws- never believed it would happen with the US.
Kevin
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Most of the time I thought you were having a good time, just tried to keep an eye out for ya bro.
